So I haven’t blogged lately.
In the immediate aftermath of what happened to me, I found that blogging was therapeutic. I felt more or less compelled to write about it and share the story. After a while I stopped feeling that way–it began to feel like I was wallowing in it, thinking too much, and I decided that was probably unhealthy. So I decided to take a short break, which has turned out to be longer than anticipated.
I was getting on with life (I told myself). Moving on. In a way, every moment I spent thinking about my experience was another victory for my scammer. I couldn’t have that; he’d won far too much already. So I mustered up some self-discipline and stopped thinking.
I’d like to be able to report that that worked, but it didn’t. I’m still not myself. Sure, I’m surviving: I can more or less tackle the activities of daily living. I go to work, feed the cats, do my laundry, put gas in my car; on that level, I’m okay.
But no, overall I am most definitely not okay. The other day I came across a picture. I thought I’d deleted all the scammer’s pictures from my various electronic devices, but I missed one, and suddenly there he was–the guy I thought loved me and couldn’t wait to meet me, the face I imagined while I chatted with my scammer and talked to him on the phone. Just one look at that photo, and I was right back where I was three months ago: devastated.
I was operating on the premise that since the relationship wasn’t real, a grieving process wasn’t necessary. Turns out I was wrong about that, and grief, true to form, has popped up again. Grief doesn’t go away; it just waits till you’re ready for the next step in the process. So yeah: I just realized I’m grieving. Yay.
I guess there’s another reason I haven’t blogged or talked about this lately: embarrassment. Again, since it wasn’t real, I should just bounce back, right? It’s not like I actually lost a boyfriend. It’s not like anything real happened… Get over it already, I’ve been telling myself.
The trouble is that I can’t seem to do that. The trouble is, as much as I’ve wanted to minimize it, this was huge. The truth is that I’m grieving a loss, and I’m nowhere near finished with it.
I guess it’s actually good news that I’m depressed, because as the experts say, depression is the fourth of the five stages of grief–next stop, acceptance.
I can hardly wait.